God: Do you trust Me?
That’s a question God had asked me before, and if I’m totally honest, it wasn’t my favorite question. But He was asking me this question once again as I sat in the waiting lounge of the US embassy applying for a student visa.
My application had been rejected a few weeks prior to this and I was applying for the second time. I sat there stressed out of my mind begging God to open the doors for me so I could finally begin my studies. And then He asked me the dreaded question “do you trust me?” My immediate response was “God I’m afraid to answer that question because knowing You, as soon as I say yes my visa will be rejected and I don’t want that” but His only response was the same question “do you trust Me?”. Eventually I said yes, while Francesca Battistelli’s sang her heart out on my Mp4:
“I’m letting go of the life I’ve planned for me, and my dreams. I’m losing control of my destiny, it feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe”.
I went in for my interview and you guessed it, my application was rejected once again. But this time something was different, I was different. Was I happy about the outcome? No, not at all. But this time I didn’t fall apart like I did the first time. I was unhappy but I had peace.
The very same day my dad suggested I apply in Malaysia and I thought I might as well try and long story short I got in. Granted there have been bumps along the way but looking back now I am so grateful I came here. Not only did I find a church that has become my family, I met lifelong friends who build me up and cheer me on, I found my purpose and most importantly I grew closer to God in ways I never thought possible.
And then God asks me again “do you trust Me” and I say yes. Guess what happens? I get another rejection from a university I had wanted to go to for a long time and rejected yet again from my second alternative and to add salt to an injury people I was praying to get a breakthrough in that area get it. Just as I was about to begin my own version of Lamentations God asks “do you still trust Me? You gave me your life to do whatever I want with it” and then I am reminded of a similar scenario four years ago and the fruit of that fateful moment. Then God says to me “do you think I would bring you this far for nothing?” of course my answer was no.
So just like I had done years ago, I surrendered to God and said “Yes Daddy I trust you” and a peace I can’t explain swept over me. As Kari Job sang out from my spotify playlist:
“Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard.
Even when it all just falls apart.
I will run to You because I know that You are,
Lover of my soul healer of my scars.
You steady my heart.
I’m not gonna worry, I know that You’ve got me.
Right inside the palm of Your hands.”
Do I still feel hurt? Yes, but I know God is working on my behalf. I want to encourage you, if you are going through something and it feels like you are at the end of your rope with no hope in sight Jeremiah 29:11 says God’s plans for us are good and His plans give us a hope and future, even when it hurts rest in Him.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”