Does this question make you squirm a little bit? Yes, most of us never talk about masturbation. It’s too embarrassing.
In our minds, however, we tend to brush off sexual self-stimulation as harmless.
- “Everybody does it!”
- “Isn’t it better than sleeping with someone I’m not married to?”
- “At least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant or picking up an STD!”
- “It’s an easy and fun method of stress relief!”
Is “self-love” a sin? What does the Bible say about masturbation? What are its inherent dangers? How does pleasuring oneself interfere with God’s magnificent design for sex?
Let’s check out what the Bible says about “solo sex!”
Is it a grey area?
The Bible doesn’t explicitly discuss masturbation. For this reason, some Christians say it is something that each believer has to decide for themselves. It’s between them and God.
Is it? The Bible has numerous passages about sexuality and marital relations that apply to the issue. There are also a couple of passages that may refer to sexual self-stimulation in a veiled way.
Some folks point to Onan’s sin in Genesis 38:1-10. Have you heard about Onan? He was one of the sons of the Biblical patriarch Judah. Onan’s older brother was Er, who was married to Tamar. Because Er was evil, God took his life before he and Tamar had any children. It was the custom (and later God’s written law – see Deuteronomy 25:5-6) for a man to marry his brother’s widow if they didn’t have any sons. The first son from that marriage would be the dead brother’s heir.
So, Judah told his second son, Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife. Perform your duty as her brother-in-law and raise up offspring for your brother.” (Genesis 38:8)
Onan did “go in” to Tamar, but he ejaculated on the ground instead of inside her. So, God killed Onan also. What, exactly, was the sin? Some scholars say “go in” means he had sex with Tamar but withdrew before ejaculating. Others say he was in the tent with her but masturbated and spilled his semen on the ground. Did God kill Onan because he masturbated or because he defrauded her of a son? Most likely, it was the second. He disobeyed his father’s order and left Tamar without children.
We can’t be sure about Onan, but 1 Corinthians 7 clears things up. Much of the chapter deals with sexual desire and how to handle it. Here are some principles:
- Fulfilling your spouse’s sexual desires is a marital duty for both husband and wife (v. 7).
- For married couples, having regular sexual relations is essential. “Do not deprive each other, except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control.” (1 Cor. 7:5 BSB)
- Marriage (not masturbation) is the solution for sexual desire. “Now to the unmarried and widows, I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Cor 7:8-9)
Not even a hint of sexual immorality
- “But among you, there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” (Ephesians 5:3, NIV)
Pleasuring oneself is virtually impossible without some sort of sexual thoughts or fantasies. It’s often connected to porn but also with imaginary sexual scenarios in one’s mind. This makes it a type of immorality. If you’re married, you’re probably not fantasizing about sex with your spouse while masturbating. If you’re single, you certainly aren’t. So, if you’re having imaginary sex with someone, it’s immoral.
It’s immoral anyway because the only God-ordained sexual relations are between husband and wife. God didn’t give the option of masturbation to single folks and widows (1 Cor 7:8-9). He told them to get married! We aren’t meant to satisfy our sexual needs outside of covenant love.
Porn and masturbation
- “God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4)
Sexual self-stimulation is often accompanied by porn. A typical scenario is the husband downstairs watching porn and pleasuring himself while his wife is upstairs in bed. If a husband is finding sexual release from masturbation rather than relations with his wife, he is defrauding her. Whether it’s the husband or wife, pornography undermines healthy marital sex. It’s a kind of cheating. Usually, if one person in the relationship is engaged in porn and self-pleasure, the couple probably isn’t having regular sex.
Pornography is demonic on multiple levels. It quenches the Holy Spirit and incites lust outside the marriage covenant. It’s not unusual for those who watch porn to find themselves prone to fits of anger, depression, and anxiety. It can lead to relationship breakdown and risky behaviors.
Porn doesn’t make a person a better lover or spice up the marriage. The opposite is true. It’s a quick fix for sexual needs, while sex in marriage involves intimacy, trust, and love. Sexual love binds a couple together psychologically. The chemicals released in the brain during lovemaking (like oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins) cement a married couple’s relationship. They addict the husband to the wife and vice versa.
Porn takes the focus off one’s spouse and on the computer screen. The person gets addicted to watching sexual encounters outside the marriage that are often abnormal. The person gets so addicted to watching porn and masturbating that he or she neglects their spouse. Even for a single person, it’s wrong. It’s sex outside of marriage.
The dangers of touching yourself
- “I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’ —but I will not be mastered by anything.” (1 Corinthians 6:12)
Nothing should control us. Nothing (but God) should master us. We shouldn’t be addicted to anything (except pursuing God). Whether it is social media, food, or any number of things, we can’t let that master us. Addictions aren’t just about alcohol and drugs.
For both women and men, sexual self-pleasure can morph into one’s “go-to” when dealing with boredom, loneliness, or stress. One can get addicted to it. That can be a problem for both single and married people.
For singles, sexual self-stimulation can replace healthy ways of coping with loneliness or stress, like hanging out with others, exercising, getting involved in church and charitable activities, and so on. And, let’s face it, we all have a sex drive, whether single or married. God’s solution for singles is marriage, but you might not have met the right person yet. In the meantime, ask God for help, practice redirecting your thoughts, and avoid reading things or watching shows that stimulate sexual desire.
Sex is a beautiful thing in a married relationship. Yet, masturbation, either before or during marriage, can mess up normal sexual relations between a married couple. It can replace real sex. It can make sex all about one’s own pleasure and not the other’s.
Some wives can have an orgasm through self-stimulation, but not with their husbands. In that case, the answer isn’t masturbation; it’s communication with one’s husband about what brings pleasure. Some husbands prefer masturbation to real sex because they find it tedious to take the time to pleasure their wives. But marriages thrive, in the bedroom and out, when patience, tenacity, and communication are at play.
Overcoming the flesh
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not be encumbered once more by a yoke of slavery. . . So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” (Galatians 5:1, 16)
Especially for singles, overcoming the desire for sexual pleasure can be tough. It’s a natural, God-given desire, yet not one that can be indulged until marriage. Even when married, we might encounter times when sexual needs can’t be met – such as if the spouse is ill or deployed overseas. How do we overcome those natural desires? How do we deal with that tug-of-war? We must allow the Holy Spirit to guide us through those seasons.
Walking by the Spirit means listening to His voice when He convicts us, learning from Him, and relying on Him to guide us. It involves spending quality time praying, reading His Word, worshiping Him, and fellowshipping with other believers.
Temptation
- “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide an escape, so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13, BSB)
Sexual self-stimulating can be a strong temptation, yet this verse gives us two promises:
- We won’t have more temptation than we can bear.
- God will provide an escape.
Especially if you are single, guard your eyes from things that arouse sexual desire. Job 31:1 says, “I have made a covenant with my eyes . . . “ Be careful what you’re watching on TV or on the internet. Practice looking the other way when around a woman who’s scantily dressed. Women can also be aroused by what they see, but often more so by what they read, so avoid those steamy romances. Women also tend to be aroused by touch, even an innocent hug. Be aware of what triggers you and avoid it. If you’re dating someone, avoid heavy petting that stimulates sexual desire.
God’s design for sex
Sexual relations are God’s gift to married people. It’s not just for having babies, as 1 Corinthians 7:5 clarifies. God gave us sex to celebrate and sustain the marriage covenant. He planned for those addictive chemicals to be released during lovemaking. He wants us to be captive to our spouse.
Masturbation, sex before marriage, and sexual infidelity are all tools of our enemy, Satan, to disrupt God’s beautiful plan for marriage. Don’t let him get by with it!
Conclusion
John Piper says that when fighting sexual temptation, we must have a sense of urgency in warfare. Guard against complacency. He says to “remember you are dead, referring to Colossians 3:3, “You have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” Because we are “dead,” we have to put to death the earthly things in us: “Sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire . . .” (Colossians 3:5). Piper says, “Now, fight! Kill the sin!” He says we also need to pray for sovereign sway: “Turn my heart, turn my will, turn my eyes. Get sovereign sway over my desires.”[i]
There’s a quaint old song (which Aretha Franklyn recently remastered) that goes like this:
Yield not to temptation, for yielding is sin;
Each victory will help you some other to win;
Fight manfully onward; dark passions subdue;
Look ever to Jesus; He will carry you through.
Ask the Savior to help you,
Comfort, strengthen, and keep you;
He is willing to aid you,
He will carry you through.
(Horatio R. Palmer)
[i] https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/how-do-i-battle-subtle-temptations-to-lust?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwjsi4BhB5EiwAFAL0YFxXTNM4nByrz3OBnUAt290Lto43cdKSI-wYAoeCplQt-Muixj1slBoCEVMQAvD_BwE
