People often say that the Bible is out of touch with modern life. While it may not address every specific modern-day situation, the Bible does address many issues we face, such as work, singleness, marriage, parenting, divorce, and separation.
Does God allow separation in marriage?
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10:9
We often hear this Bible verse quoted at weddings, yet we may not always understand its meaning. What did God mean when he said married couples shouldn’t separate? Paul wrote a letter to the Corinthians church in response to questions from individuals about marriage and separation. Here are some of the things Paul wrote to them about separation for Christians.
Separation and divorce for Christians
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11 NIV)
Earlier in the chapter, Paul talked about singleness; now, he addresses their questions about marriage and divorce.
In Corinth, some believers thought it was more spiritual to stay single than to marry. Some even went so far as to think they should leave their spouse to be more holy. Paul tells them this is wrong. But he also says that if a wife does leave, she shouldn’t get remarried but should consider getting reconciled with her husband. Paul also warned that the husband shouldn’t divorce his wife if she leaves him this way.
In the book of Matthew, Jesus teaches that sexual immorality is the only grounds for divorce, such as when an unbelieving spouse deserts a believing spouse due to sexual immorality.
What should a couple do while separated
Jesus clarifies this teaching to point out how hard-hearted husbands wanted to “put away” their wives. Jesus called out their hypocrisy, using God’s laws as an excuse for their sin. In Matthew, Jesus condemns divorce for the wrong reasons. He emphasized the marriage covenant as binding for life. The disciples understood the seriousness of Jesus’s teaching on this matter. When he said that the marriage covenant shouldn’t be broken, they responded that it would be better not to get married instead of breaking it.
I would encourage Christian couples not to separate
In 1 Corinthians 7:11, Paul says that if the believing wife does leave the marriage, they may separate. The wife might be leaving due to a false belief that she’ll be more spiritual in doing so. Or she may leave for other reasons. It’s thought that although Paul didn’t address specifics, there he knew that a spouse might separate for such reasons as
- Abuse
- Addiction
- Poverty
- Conflict
- Unhappiness
- Misery
Separation should be the last option and should not be taken lightly
Paul didn’t want these believers to consider divorce because it wasn’t Biblical. Even though separated, both spouses were to honor their marriage vows because they were still married in God’s eyes. They could live separately, but they weren’t single. Paul’s instructions apply to both husbands and wives.
Divorce or remarriage for a Christian married to an unbelieving spouse
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. (I Corinthians 7:12-14 NIV)
In these verses, Paul speaks to other marriages where one spouse is a Christian and the other isn’t. He warns the believer not to divorce the unbeliever, as some Christians in Corinth did. They thought it was more spiritual to divorce their unbelieving spouse. Paul says that in these situations, the believing spouse sanctifies an unbelieving spouse. This can glorify God because God can work through the believer’s life to help draw the unbeliever to Christ. When Paul talks about the unbelieving spouse being sanctified, he doesn’t mean they are saved, but they are set apart for the Holy Spirit’s workings because they are married to a Christian.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:15-16 NIV)
In these two verses, Paul says that if the unbelieving spouse leaves, the believer should let them go. The Christian spouse can try to heal the marriage, but if the unbeliever refuses to stay married, there can be a divorce if the unbeliever chooses it. The Christian is free to remarry if a divorce occurs.
Separation under the authority and supervision of church leadership with the intention of getting back together
If a couple wants to get back together after a separation, they should seek outside help. This can include meeting with a pastor or other church leaders. Other suggestions include:
- Couples therapy and counseling to discuss issues
- Get together with another couple to walk through issues and provide support and prayer.
- Talk to your pastor or leadership before deciding to get back together.
- Attend a marriage seminar to help learn how to communicate better
- Read a marriage book with other couples.
- Get support from your small group, family, or friends.
You find what you’re looking for in your spouse
Many people “fall in love” with someone only to find out too late that they aren’t who they thought they were. If you want to be married, a good rule is to become the person you think the person you want to marry would want. If you’re looking for someone who loves Jesus, ask yourself, “Do you love Jesus?” If you want someone who is unselfish, ask yourself, “Are you unselfish?” It’s easy to set high standards but not meet those standards ourselves. Now is the time to grow in these areas before you get married.
Things to look for in a spouse
- Committed to Christ and the Church
- Growing in their walk with Christ
- Person of integrity
- Leader
- Love sacrificially
- A good sense of humor (laugh at him or herself)
- Humble
- Take initiative in relationships
- Kindhearted
God can restore
God is in the business of restoring our lives. Here are some promising
All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19 NIV)
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:15 NIV)
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV)
Praying for your marriage
It’s important to pray for your marriage. Here are some prayers you can pray.
- Thank God for your spouse
- Ask God to help both of you to trust God in your marriage.
- Pray for intimacy in your marriage.
- Pray for humility to confess sin to one another
- Pray that both of you will be willing to give and receive correction.
- Pray that you will both show respect and honor one another around others.
- Pray for God to bless your marriage.
God hates divorce
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. (Malachi 2:16 NIV)
The Lord is saying that divorce does damage. One Bible version says, ‘it does violence to the one he (husband) should protect.” It also says don’t deal treacherously. In other words, God doesn’t like the husband who is causing harm to his wife in this way.
We read in Matthew 19:3-12 about a heated exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees about divorce. The Pharisees were a religious group known for their mastery of and loyalty to the Mosaic law. They believed in the afterlife and the resurrection of the dead and had created a complicated system of oral laws and traditions to prevent breaking the commandments. They approached Jesus with a question about Moses’ teaching, hoping to trick him, but Jesus cleverly exposed their hard hearts while explaining God’s true intent.
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
“Haven’t you read,” he(Jesus) replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
When discussing divorce, it’s important to remember God’s heart of care and compassion for those involved. Often, those individuals going through a divorce experience grief and sometimes conviction for their sins that contributed to the divorce. We can walk them through both scenarios and encourage them to trust and obey God. The good news for all of us is that Jesus died for our sins and rose again. God’s heart is that no one would experience divorce, yet we live in a broken world where divorce and separation happen. Understanding God’s word about separation is important so we can think and act biblically regarding these two topics.
Conclusion
Marriage is God’s idea. He wants couples to live happily in a harmonious, God-glorifying way. Because marriage is a covenant, God wants couples to take their relationship seriously. He discourages divorce because it’s hurtful to both parties. If there is a need for a separation, God encourages the couple to keep their marriage vows and, if possible, get back together, receiving counseling or help from church leadership. If a believer is married to an unbeliever and wants to leave, the believer is encouraged to allow the unbelieving spouse to stay or leave, hoping they will come to a knowledge of Christ.
