Today, about 76% of couples live together before marriage. Among Evangelical Christians, 54% cohabit before marriage, and the number is higher for younger couples. Moving in together before saying “I do” has become a “new norm,” even among Christians. It has become morally acceptable for many believers as long as the couple plans to marry. Yet, less than half of Evangelical Christians who live together actually get married.
Is waiting until marriage to have sexual relations and live together an antiquated, unrealistic concept? Has God changed His mind?
The beauty of marriage
The Bible says that marriage is an earthly example of the beautiful relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:22-33). A husband’s sacrificial love for his wife is a picture of Jesus’ selfless love for the Body of Christ. When a husband cherishes and cares for his wife, he is an example of Jesus’s tender regard and nourishment of the church. When the wife respects and yields to her husband’s authority, it portrays the church’s submission to Christ, who loves the church and gave Himself up for her.
Anyone who’s married can tell you that it comes with lots of frustrations, challenges, and pain. We still wrestle with sin and selfishness in this life. When we operate in our own strength, it’s easy to be self-seeking and impatient. And yet, no other human relationship is as deep and satisfying as a marriage built on Christ. No other relationship has the power to bring unfathomable joy, happiness, love, contentment, and companionship.
A Christian marriage is meant to point others to the beautiful covenant between God and His people. When we are daily in the Word and in prayer, both individually and together as a couple, we reflect His love, tenderness, and servanthood.
Sex and the Bible
You might be surprised at how often the Bible talks about sex. More than 200 verses mention sexual intimacy, and the theme of Song of Solomon is the beauty of sex in marriage. God gave sexual relations as a gift to married couples. It is the epitome of love, the celebration of commitment until death do us part.
God created sex to deepen the connection between a husband and wife in a lifelong relationship. God meant sexual intercourse to be an honorable, unique, bonding intimacy in marriage. Sex literally holds marriages together by releasing the addictive hormones dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. These hormones create a lasting bond between the body, spirit, and soul.
- “Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.” (Song of Solomon 1:2)
- “You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes . . . Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine.” (Song of Solomon 4: 9-10)
- “You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.” (Song of Solomon 4:12)
Is living together before marriage a sin?
Yes! God makes it clear in His Word that any sex outside of marriage is a sin. In Exodus 22:16-17, if a man had sex with a virgin, he had to marry her because sexual intimacy is a covenant-forming activity only meant for marriage.
- “God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor— not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4)
- “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” (Hebrews 13:4)
Is God willing to compromise in this area?
No! God isn’t going to wink at sex before marriage. Why? It is an abuse of what God meant the sexual relationship to be. Sexual relations seal the covenantal bond between a husband and wife. It makes them “one flesh.”
- “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)
God meant sex to be a powerful factor in celebrating and cementing a lifelong commitment. That’s why the “sex chemicals” are released in our brains during intercourse. They make us addicted to or captive to each other. Sex seals the covenant of marriage.
If a couple has sex before marriage – if they live together before marriage – then they’re putting the cart before the horse. They’re enjoying the benefits of the covenant without committing to the covenant.
So, what happens if the relationship falls apart and they don’t get married? Remember, this happens to more than half of Christian couples who live together without marriage. God created sex to bond a married couple together. Sexual relations create lingering chemical and psychological bonds between the couple.
A future marriage with a different person will be haunted by the soul ties created by sexual intimacy with another person. It complicates the marriage bond and interferes with trust. The neurological attachments formed by sexual intimacy with someone else can create flashbacks when having sex with one’s spouse.
- “Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves.” (Proverbs 5:15-17)
Another reason God doesn’t wink at cohabiting before marriage is that it can produce a pregnancy, even if the couple is careful with birth control. Children are a gift from God, but a pregnancy outside of marriage is complicated. Some couples go ahead and get married, yet they might resentfully feel they were “forced” into a marriage they weren’t ready for. This resentment might be projected against the spouse or the child. Other couples have children without marriage but raise the children without being committed to each other, which impacts parenting dynamics. Sometimes, the couple split up, and the mother is left to raise the baby alone. Some Christian couples even decide on abortion. They were ready for sex but not ready for the child it produced, so they kill the unborn child.
Will God forgive me?
Yes. That doesn’t mean you can go into it saying, “I know it’s wrong, but God will forgive me.”
But maybe you got entangled without really thinking about the spiritual repercussions. Perhaps you had lapsed in your walk with God. God gives second chances. He gave a second chance to the prophet Hosea’s wife, Gomer (Hosea 3). Jesus gave a second chance to the woman caught in adultery (John 8:3-11). But he told her to go and sin no more.
- “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
Even though God will forgive you, you will still have complications that arise from living together before marriage, such as neurological ties, a child, or shared property. When you repent and pray for forgiveness, also pray for God to guide you in dealing with those issues. Ask Him to release those neurological and emotional bonds to someone you’ve lived with before marriage.
Flee from temptation
- “Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So, you must honor God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
Be intentional about avoiding temptation. If you are dating, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can get into heavy petting as long as you don’t go all the way. God designed sexual touching as foreplay. It’s meant to end with an orgasm. What’s the point of arousing sexual desire when you don’t plan to have sex? Many couples do this, then find it’s too hard to stop midstream.
Should a pastor marry a couple that still lives with each other before marriage?
Many conservative, evangelical pastors have differing views on this. A few pastors refuse to marry a couple who is living together because statistics indicate they have a greater chance of divorce.
Over half of evangelical pastors say they would marry a couple who is or has been living together. Their thinking is that if they marry the couple, at least they’re no longer committing sexual sin.
Some rightly require that the couple confess their sin, repent, and live apart without sexual relations until the wedding. Reformed pastor John Piper of Desiring God says he insists on this, even if the woman is pregnant.[i]
“If they are moving away from fornication because they are now persuaded it is sin, and they are marrying as a declaration of repentance and faith in Christ and a commitment to righteousness, then they are right with God. We should join them in the penitent and happy celebration.”[ii]
Conclusion
God hasn’t changed His mind. Sin is still sin. Living together before marriage disrupts God’s plan for sexual relations and marriage.
If you are dating or hoping to, then make a firm decision that you will remain sexually pure until marriage. Then, endeavor to avoid circumstances that might make you abandon your principles. Make sure you only date people who are faithful Christians and committed to purity before marriage.
What if you’re already living with someone? If you are a Christian and your partner isn’t, then you should end the relationship and move out unless your partner decides to place their faith in Christ. In that case, you can continue the relationship. Still, one of you needs to move out, and you need to avoid sexual intimacy. If both of you are believers who are growing in your faith, you can prayerfully explore whether marriage is right for you. If so, you need to stay sexually pure and live apart until you say, “I do!”
[i] https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/will-you-marry-a-couple-already-living-together
[ii] https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/should-i-attend-the-wedding-of-a-couple-already-living-together
